It’s a weird thing, navigating the land of Do when you’re in the midst of a depressive episode. Energy levels low enough that a self-avowed early bird stays in bed until 11am don’t help. But it’s more than that. I feel slower and sleepier at everything, as if someone’s rubbed all my quick away. Each thing is just that bit harder and the interludes of Do are that bit shorter and require more recuperation time.
Social stuff is a particular challenge. It’s very much needed and enjoyed, but things that need participation need more energy and that’s a candle with a shorter wick than usual. It’s like being at a gig and not being able to see the band unless you stand on tip-toes: you can do that, for a while, but your feet aren’t made to work that way so at some point you have to stand normally again and then you miss the full experience and feel weirdly detached and tired. So you duck out of rooms involving lively conversation and games and into ones where you can just sit and slump, maybe exchange desultory comments rather than maintain a conversation. Where you don’t feel like you need to be quite so switched on, and can take a rest from standing up or the quick brain movements that aren’t a problem when you’re well. After a while, you can try standing on tip-toes again and see how long you last that time.
I have meds, but it’s early days for them yet. I’m managing to talk myself into the essentials of self-care, and I’ve been here before so I know there’s an other side. It’s just that right now, access to all kinds of Do is limited.